Tuesday, August 31, 2004
How can this possibly happen?
So. I'm trying to find forgiveness in my heart. I'm trying to understand how someone breaks a promise to a child; even a grown child. I'm trying to see how a person can be so wrapped up in selfishness and self-centeredness as to push away flesh and blood. I have looked at this thing from all the angles I can. I'm not finding anything that comes anywhere near a logical answer. I've talked about my thoughts with the people I talk about thoughts with. They don't see anything logical, either. There's just nothing there but abomination, disgrace, and total lack of honor. It fucking pisses me off.
Aaaand that brings us back to my choices, doesn't it? I mean, really, if I'm offended, I know that I must own at least part of the deal, right? Ok, I own it. I made choices that weren't the best. What could I have done differently? That's the question, isn't it? Hindsight, and all that. Honestly, I don't think I regret any of the choices I've made. Sure, I'm in debt, and there are some difficult things going on in my life right now, but when I look at my life as a whole, I'm proud of who I am and what I've done. I have the respect of colleagues and friends, I have children who like me, I have a clean and dry place to live. Who I am, what I have, what I do; those things define me each in their own way. When I look at all the things in me, I find that I'm a better person now. I'm making better choices, I think, and for that I have to thank this person. As much as gratitude toward him rankles, I know that my life is better now than it was before. Sure, it's the kind of better that hurts more and has more sand in the cereal, but it's a better nonetheless. I'll take it. I have self-respect. I have made a place for myself in the world by my own efforts. I don't think he knows what either of those are, outside of defining them.
My plan, at this point, is to keep on doing what I'm doing. I'm working hard, and I'm going to make good things happen for my children. The important thing right now is to focus on them. I hadn't realized how important that really was until the slap in the face. I've been awakened, and my children will never feel a sting like that.
Aaaand that brings us back to my choices, doesn't it? I mean, really, if I'm offended, I know that I must own at least part of the deal, right? Ok, I own it. I made choices that weren't the best. What could I have done differently? That's the question, isn't it? Hindsight, and all that. Honestly, I don't think I regret any of the choices I've made. Sure, I'm in debt, and there are some difficult things going on in my life right now, but when I look at my life as a whole, I'm proud of who I am and what I've done. I have the respect of colleagues and friends, I have children who like me, I have a clean and dry place to live. Who I am, what I have, what I do; those things define me each in their own way. When I look at all the things in me, I find that I'm a better person now. I'm making better choices, I think, and for that I have to thank this person. As much as gratitude toward him rankles, I know that my life is better now than it was before. Sure, it's the kind of better that hurts more and has more sand in the cereal, but it's a better nonetheless. I'll take it. I have self-respect. I have made a place for myself in the world by my own efforts. I don't think he knows what either of those are, outside of defining them.
My plan, at this point, is to keep on doing what I'm doing. I'm working hard, and I'm going to make good things happen for my children. The important thing right now is to focus on them. I hadn't realized how important that really was until the slap in the face. I've been awakened, and my children will never feel a sting like that.
