Thursday, March 31, 2005
I have hope that tomorrow will be better.
This little corner of the internet is one where I've spilled a lot of my guts about a lot of things. Right now, I'm sleep-deprived, worried, upset, scared, vulnerable, and resolute. Quite a pile of words, there. Sometimes, doing the right thing just sucks ass. With that cheerful note, I'm going to take another nap, then go pick up a prescription, and then go visit my doctor (the one who is moving out of town.) Then I'm going to find a warm corner somewhere and be away for a while.
Friday, March 25, 2005
It's a bit early for me, but I'm going to write anyway.
Normally, I don't write in this thing until after 3am. Since I technically have 13 minutes until that hour, I'm early, right?
So...how is everybody today? I realize I'm talking to the voices in my head, but it sounds nicer to be polite and include them in the conversational tone of the event. My/Our response is, "I'm/We're doing really well!" Works is going well, things feel like they're going smoothly, and as bumpy as life's circumstances can bo, I'm feeling like I'm making positive steps in the right direction. I just got accepted to a PhD program, and I'm getting ready to start in on the financial aid stuff tomorrow. I need to get that pushed through pretty quickly so that I can have the credit hours I need in time to renew my teaching license before August. It expired on the sixth of this omnth, and there's no two ways about that. One way or another I need to cubmit six credit hours, or decide to switch to the new "points" system and be done with it. I really should look into that. It's possible that I could write up my activities from the past several years and have enough points to slide by. I still want that PhD, though, and now that I'm actually accepted to a program, I'm going to push myself to get it done. One of these days I may want something different for myself, and it will be good to have options available to me. It will also be good to have myself positioned at the top of the payscale, always hoping that I don't price myself out of a job, of course. There's a part of me that can hear my dad telling me how stupid I'd be for doing that, and that part of me recognizes that "no good deed shall go unpunished." Still, and all, I want the things that I want, and this seems to be the best means to my ends. Robbing a bank is just so not me.
The nose of my tattoo is a heart, turned upsided down, because I said that love always ends up upside down with me. Now I'm starting to wonder if the tattoo is right side up and I'm the one who's upside down. Time will tell.
Speaking of time...it's 3am on the dot. I'm going back to bed.
So...how is everybody today? I realize I'm talking to the voices in my head, but it sounds nicer to be polite and include them in the conversational tone of the event. My/Our response is, "I'm/We're doing really well!" Works is going well, things feel like they're going smoothly, and as bumpy as life's circumstances can bo, I'm feeling like I'm making positive steps in the right direction. I just got accepted to a PhD program, and I'm getting ready to start in on the financial aid stuff tomorrow. I need to get that pushed through pretty quickly so that I can have the credit hours I need in time to renew my teaching license before August. It expired on the sixth of this omnth, and there's no two ways about that. One way or another I need to cubmit six credit hours, or decide to switch to the new "points" system and be done with it. I really should look into that. It's possible that I could write up my activities from the past several years and have enough points to slide by. I still want that PhD, though, and now that I'm actually accepted to a program, I'm going to push myself to get it done. One of these days I may want something different for myself, and it will be good to have options available to me. It will also be good to have myself positioned at the top of the payscale, always hoping that I don't price myself out of a job, of course. There's a part of me that can hear my dad telling me how stupid I'd be for doing that, and that part of me recognizes that "no good deed shall go unpunished." Still, and all, I want the things that I want, and this seems to be the best means to my ends. Robbing a bank is just so not me.
The nose of my tattoo is a heart, turned upsided down, because I said that love always ends up upside down with me. Now I'm starting to wonder if the tattoo is right side up and I'm the one who's upside down. Time will tell.
Speaking of time...it's 3am on the dot. I'm going back to bed.
Friday, March 11, 2005
I greet thee, intrepid reader.
That little voice that calls to me to write my thoughts has been quite insistent, and so I must answer.
I've been looking at all the things inmy life. In some places, I'm streamlining to make things simpler. In other places, I'm giving some serious thought to making things more complicated and difficult. I think I know what's the right thing to do, and then *whammo* something pops up that makes me question everything I thought I'd figured out. Is this how life is allways to all people, or do some people really have it all figured out? Is that a better quality of life, or does it suck from boredom and predictability? I don't know the answer, but I do know that I'm alive and I'm feeling things. I'm maybe not as numb as I was six months ago. What's that mean, exactly? well, I ain't rightly sure, miss, but it has to be an improvement, don't it? At any rate, I'm hoping that maybe some of the parts of me that have been dormant for a few years are maybe going to start working again. It's a nice thought, and if god wills it, then it willbe.
I went to a really good speaker meeting last Saturday. The lady talked about how she moved from man to man, looking for some sort of happiness and never finding it outside herself. I took a lesson that I'd already known from that. If I'm going to be truly happy, it's still going to be an inside job. Every now and then, I need those little reminders, but they do wonders for me.
Mark is probably moving out sometime in the middle of next month. That will mean some financial hardship fo rme, but it also means some peace of mind, as well. I'll be able to keep the place picked up and know that it won't be trashed when I come home. Yes, I know that I'm not the neatest person, if you're already chuckling, but I do think that I'd do a better job around the place if I knew that someone else wasn't going to fuck it up the minute I turned around.
The girls are with me tonight (Thursday, although technically it's very early Friday morning) and I'll have them all weekend, probably take them to school on Monday. I'm looking forward to it, and I think we'll have fun. They're so smart and grow and learn so much between visits that sometimes I really do feel left behind. I am so proud of them and how smart they are, and how sweet they can be. Maddie asked me to make chocolate pie for her, and since there's plenty of time over the weekend, I think I'm going to do it. I get a real kick out of my children asking me to make special food for them. Right now, they're sound asleep, making sweet little child sleep sounds and stirring gently every so often. When mark moves, I'm going to make a room for them that they can spread out a little bit in. Maybe buy a dresser and keep some clothes for them, like normal people do for their children when they don't live with them.
So...that's it, then, for tonight? I think so. None of the emotionaly angst that I usually put in these things this time, just a sort of check-in and a few notes of interest to nobody else but me.
I've been looking at all the things inmy life. In some places, I'm streamlining to make things simpler. In other places, I'm giving some serious thought to making things more complicated and difficult. I think I know what's the right thing to do, and then *whammo* something pops up that makes me question everything I thought I'd figured out. Is this how life is allways to all people, or do some people really have it all figured out? Is that a better quality of life, or does it suck from boredom and predictability? I don't know the answer, but I do know that I'm alive and I'm feeling things. I'm maybe not as numb as I was six months ago. What's that mean, exactly? well, I ain't rightly sure, miss, but it has to be an improvement, don't it? At any rate, I'm hoping that maybe some of the parts of me that have been dormant for a few years are maybe going to start working again. It's a nice thought, and if god wills it, then it willbe.
I went to a really good speaker meeting last Saturday. The lady talked about how she moved from man to man, looking for some sort of happiness and never finding it outside herself. I took a lesson that I'd already known from that. If I'm going to be truly happy, it's still going to be an inside job. Every now and then, I need those little reminders, but they do wonders for me.
Mark is probably moving out sometime in the middle of next month. That will mean some financial hardship fo rme, but it also means some peace of mind, as well. I'll be able to keep the place picked up and know that it won't be trashed when I come home. Yes, I know that I'm not the neatest person, if you're already chuckling, but I do think that I'd do a better job around the place if I knew that someone else wasn't going to fuck it up the minute I turned around.
The girls are with me tonight (Thursday, although technically it's very early Friday morning) and I'll have them all weekend, probably take them to school on Monday. I'm looking forward to it, and I think we'll have fun. They're so smart and grow and learn so much between visits that sometimes I really do feel left behind. I am so proud of them and how smart they are, and how sweet they can be. Maddie asked me to make chocolate pie for her, and since there's plenty of time over the weekend, I think I'm going to do it. I get a real kick out of my children asking me to make special food for them. Right now, they're sound asleep, making sweet little child sleep sounds and stirring gently every so often. When mark moves, I'm going to make a room for them that they can spread out a little bit in. Maybe buy a dresser and keep some clothes for them, like normal people do for their children when they don't live with them.
So...that's it, then, for tonight? I think so. None of the emotionaly angst that I usually put in these things this time, just a sort of check-in and a few notes of interest to nobody else but me.
