Thursday, January 27, 2005
Always in the middle of the night, these things.
I need a prescription filled. Yes, I know, I should have gotten that taken care of earlier. I just assumed that it would be easy to walk in there and grab it. As it happens, that isn't the case, and the guy at the pharmacy informed me that the computer will be down for about an hour. Nice. It's not my fault that he's backing up the computer right now, is it? Nope. Sure not. Is it his fault? Sure is. And, if I'm not mistaken, he's supposed to be doing that right about now. So, there.
I talked with my sister earlier today (yesterday, if you want to be technical) about her upcoming court date here in Indianapolis with the trust company. Every time I start to think that maybe things weren't as bad as I had thought with dad, I can always talk to her and hear about the latest stuff he's been up to. For someone who is a "concerned parent just wanting the best for his children" he's done an awful lot of damage. An appalling amount, in fact. Sis, though, seems to have things pretty well in hand, and is handling herself well. Dad, well, I can honestly say that I don't know. I can only imagine that he's satisfied with himself and the way he's been doing things, and that the results are what he wants.
You know, while were on that topic (dad) I may as well mention a few other little tidbits: He had previously miss-spelled Mason's name (Macy) as "Massy." This year, at Christmas, he spelled Madison's name (Maddie) as "Maddy." He also sent her a card wishing Maddie a "Happy 7th Birthday" for her 8th birthday. I'm guessing that he's well on his way to forgetting about two of his three children, and two of his grandchildren. I'm also guessing that we're on the better end of the deal. I know that Carl and Rose and theirs will get special treatment as a way to punish the rest of us, and I guess I'm just fine with that. There is nothing on earth that will change that man, and we're better off without him meddling in our lives. I just hope I can make it until July without him doing anything else to hurt me. Heidi Sister hasn't spoken to him in over a year, although she's been in the same courtroom with him. I haven't spoken to him since the middle of May, and I haven't been in the same room with him, either. I call that just about a draw, although I congratulated her on her good luck.
At this point, I really don't expect I'll speak with him again. A deathbed plea would fall on deaf ears. I don't think my brother would understand. Did I mention that he sat me down with Heidi K and tried to counsel us to stay together? Started quoting some sort of statistics about children. Why is it that family people seem to think that they can lecture me about children? It's like no one remembers that I work in an elementary school. I was really offended, and told him so. I'm not talking a whole lot to him, either, these days, but that's more of a security measure than anything else. I know that anything I say to him could get mentioned to Rose, and that she's a direct conduit to wherever any information will do the most damage. So, I limit what I say to him when I do talk to him, and sort of leave it at that. No point in stirring up extra animosity in a family already full of it, right?
Dad sent gift cards for the iMusic online music store, which I used, and a gift card for Harley-Davidson of Indianapolis, which I probably won't. Ah, well. It was nice of him to send stuff, but I think he's trying to act as if he's never done anything wrong to anyone, and thinks that his actions will be glossed over in time. I don't think he has grasped that we're done with being puppets, that we're done with all the family angst and anger, and that we're willing to let him have all that money and just spend it however he wants. It's hurtful, knowing that he'd rather spend money on stepchildren than his own children. However, they'll find out soon enough that everything he gives away comes with a cost. Unless it's only his own kids that he does that to, which I guess is a possibility, although a very sad one.
Karmic debt aside, what sort of life is it to have, that you live from crisis to crisis? He'll be sixty this year, and has nothing in the way of personal accomplishments to show for his life. I think that would be an awful realization, after being alive that long. He can say that he's done nice things for people, given things to make things better, and all that is true. None of it, however, has been because of the work of his own hands. It must rankle to have received so much and deserved so little. Maybe that's why he begrudges us; he thinks that we're undeserving. It's possible, I suppose. If that's the case, though, I'm still proud of what I've done as a teacher, a father, a husband. I like to think that, even if I'm not married anymore, I was a good husband. I hope I'm a good father, and I believe I'm a good teacher. I have a measure of happiness and contentment that I can't recall ever seeing in my dad, and I don't think he can buy it. What a pitiful life! I hope that my own children never feel compelled to write things like this about me. I hope that I'm acting in such a way that they'll never need to.
I talked with my sister earlier today (yesterday, if you want to be technical) about her upcoming court date here in Indianapolis with the trust company. Every time I start to think that maybe things weren't as bad as I had thought with dad, I can always talk to her and hear about the latest stuff he's been up to. For someone who is a "concerned parent just wanting the best for his children" he's done an awful lot of damage. An appalling amount, in fact. Sis, though, seems to have things pretty well in hand, and is handling herself well. Dad, well, I can honestly say that I don't know. I can only imagine that he's satisfied with himself and the way he's been doing things, and that the results are what he wants.
You know, while were on that topic (dad) I may as well mention a few other little tidbits: He had previously miss-spelled Mason's name (Macy) as "Massy." This year, at Christmas, he spelled Madison's name (Maddie) as "Maddy." He also sent her a card wishing Maddie a "Happy 7th Birthday" for her 8th birthday. I'm guessing that he's well on his way to forgetting about two of his three children, and two of his grandchildren. I'm also guessing that we're on the better end of the deal. I know that Carl and Rose and theirs will get special treatment as a way to punish the rest of us, and I guess I'm just fine with that. There is nothing on earth that will change that man, and we're better off without him meddling in our lives. I just hope I can make it until July without him doing anything else to hurt me. Heidi Sister hasn't spoken to him in over a year, although she's been in the same courtroom with him. I haven't spoken to him since the middle of May, and I haven't been in the same room with him, either. I call that just about a draw, although I congratulated her on her good luck.
At this point, I really don't expect I'll speak with him again. A deathbed plea would fall on deaf ears. I don't think my brother would understand. Did I mention that he sat me down with Heidi K and tried to counsel us to stay together? Started quoting some sort of statistics about children. Why is it that family people seem to think that they can lecture me about children? It's like no one remembers that I work in an elementary school. I was really offended, and told him so. I'm not talking a whole lot to him, either, these days, but that's more of a security measure than anything else. I know that anything I say to him could get mentioned to Rose, and that she's a direct conduit to wherever any information will do the most damage. So, I limit what I say to him when I do talk to him, and sort of leave it at that. No point in stirring up extra animosity in a family already full of it, right?
Dad sent gift cards for the iMusic online music store, which I used, and a gift card for Harley-Davidson of Indianapolis, which I probably won't. Ah, well. It was nice of him to send stuff, but I think he's trying to act as if he's never done anything wrong to anyone, and thinks that his actions will be glossed over in time. I don't think he has grasped that we're done with being puppets, that we're done with all the family angst and anger, and that we're willing to let him have all that money and just spend it however he wants. It's hurtful, knowing that he'd rather spend money on stepchildren than his own children. However, they'll find out soon enough that everything he gives away comes with a cost. Unless it's only his own kids that he does that to, which I guess is a possibility, although a very sad one.
Karmic debt aside, what sort of life is it to have, that you live from crisis to crisis? He'll be sixty this year, and has nothing in the way of personal accomplishments to show for his life. I think that would be an awful realization, after being alive that long. He can say that he's done nice things for people, given things to make things better, and all that is true. None of it, however, has been because of the work of his own hands. It must rankle to have received so much and deserved so little. Maybe that's why he begrudges us; he thinks that we're undeserving. It's possible, I suppose. If that's the case, though, I'm still proud of what I've done as a teacher, a father, a husband. I like to think that, even if I'm not married anymore, I was a good husband. I hope I'm a good father, and I believe I'm a good teacher. I have a measure of happiness and contentment that I can't recall ever seeing in my dad, and I don't think he can buy it. What a pitiful life! I hope that my own children never feel compelled to write things like this about me. I hope that I'm acting in such a way that they'll never need to.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Well, hello there!
It's the third of January, 2005. I don't think I ever really thought I'd be alive in a year that sounded so far away as 2005. In my mind, I'm still happily in 1982, joking with friends, playing the saxophone, and wondering if Donna Lamm or Joelle Carpenter will ever like me in the way that I like them. How can it be that I'm almost 35 years old? And how can it be that at this age, I'm starting everything over again? Doesn't seem possible, and doesn't seem likely.
So. What to talk about tonight, eh? I'm not having an episode of family upset. I'm actually enjoying being back at work after a perfect Christmas vacation (that's right, I said Christmas, political correctness can kiss my entire ass). Today went pretty smoothly, and I felt happy to be back doing what I like doing.
I have my first seminar presentation coming up in exactly four weeks. I'll be in Merrillville, and then South Bend. I'm getting butterflies already, which is sort of silly. I'll start doing my homework and getting totally ready probably at the end of this week. I'm looking forward to this chance to break into a new thing, and do something really cool. I want to do a good job, and I know that I can explain this stuff well enough to help some other teachers to really make a difference. I'm excited about it, and I hope I can excite them about it.
Mostly, right now, I'm doing really well. I feel like things are starting to look up for me, and even though there are still some rough times and long days ahead, I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think I can see life for me after all this wreckage stuff gets put to rest. There is hope for happiness and there are two wonderful children that mean the world to me. I will never be the parent that their mom is; still, I love them very much. I only want to be sure that they know that and that they believe it from my actions as they grow older. They deserve a good life, and I want to be able to provide for them as long as I can. I never really thought I'd be like this, but the past two years have really shown me how important it is to provide a good foundation for my children, and how much it means to be sure to support them in as many ways as I can. They are such incredible little people. I miss them a lot, and I think about them a lot. I don't call to talk to them, and I don't drive over just to visit. I just think about them and hope that they know that I love them. I have days that I feel that I'm not deserving of such perfect children. As time goes on and things start to get more settled in my life, I want to have some real structure to seeing them and having them in my home. I want them to feel that my home is also their home, and that they can feel like they live with me part of the time, instead of just visiting like they do now. It's a big dream, I know, and right now it's too big to make happen. One day, though. One day, in my own little house, with a bedroom for them and dressers with clothes and favorite snacks in the cupboards. I have so much that I want to do, and it seems that life starts to really go faster and faster each day. I think sometimes that I have to fill my days with more and more in order to be sure that I don't miss out on the things that I hope to accomplish. I want many things, but I'm relieved to find that my desire for stuff and more stuff isn't as strong anymore. I just don't want a bunch of stuff anymore.
So...that's about enough rambling for tonight, eh? Maybe we'll do this again soon, or maybe it'll take another month. Either way, I'm heading to bed on time tonight.
So. What to talk about tonight, eh? I'm not having an episode of family upset. I'm actually enjoying being back at work after a perfect Christmas vacation (that's right, I said Christmas, political correctness can kiss my entire ass). Today went pretty smoothly, and I felt happy to be back doing what I like doing.
I have my first seminar presentation coming up in exactly four weeks. I'll be in Merrillville, and then South Bend. I'm getting butterflies already, which is sort of silly. I'll start doing my homework and getting totally ready probably at the end of this week. I'm looking forward to this chance to break into a new thing, and do something really cool. I want to do a good job, and I know that I can explain this stuff well enough to help some other teachers to really make a difference. I'm excited about it, and I hope I can excite them about it.
Mostly, right now, I'm doing really well. I feel like things are starting to look up for me, and even though there are still some rough times and long days ahead, I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think I can see life for me after all this wreckage stuff gets put to rest. There is hope for happiness and there are two wonderful children that mean the world to me. I will never be the parent that their mom is; still, I love them very much. I only want to be sure that they know that and that they believe it from my actions as they grow older. They deserve a good life, and I want to be able to provide for them as long as I can. I never really thought I'd be like this, but the past two years have really shown me how important it is to provide a good foundation for my children, and how much it means to be sure to support them in as many ways as I can. They are such incredible little people. I miss them a lot, and I think about them a lot. I don't call to talk to them, and I don't drive over just to visit. I just think about them and hope that they know that I love them. I have days that I feel that I'm not deserving of such perfect children. As time goes on and things start to get more settled in my life, I want to have some real structure to seeing them and having them in my home. I want them to feel that my home is also their home, and that they can feel like they live with me part of the time, instead of just visiting like they do now. It's a big dream, I know, and right now it's too big to make happen. One day, though. One day, in my own little house, with a bedroom for them and dressers with clothes and favorite snacks in the cupboards. I have so much that I want to do, and it seems that life starts to really go faster and faster each day. I think sometimes that I have to fill my days with more and more in order to be sure that I don't miss out on the things that I hope to accomplish. I want many things, but I'm relieved to find that my desire for stuff and more stuff isn't as strong anymore. I just don't want a bunch of stuff anymore.
So...that's about enough rambling for tonight, eh? Maybe we'll do this again soon, or maybe it'll take another month. Either way, I'm heading to bed on time tonight.
