Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Here we are again.
I forget which mental problem causes which. Is it anxiety that causes problems falling asleep and depression that wakes you up in the night? Or is it that either can cause both? Bah. Anyway, I finally managed to fall asleep after skipping the second job and going to my favorite Tuesday night meeting. I waited for someone else to bring up the topic, just to see if the miracle would happen again; you know the one, where someone else brings up my topic without me having talked to them. Sure enough, with no prompting from anyone, and gentleman I hadn't seen in probably six years brought up "resentment" as the topic. I smiled, because I know that I am truly not alone anymore. What a wonderful meeting it was. I was talking with a friend later, and mentioned that "resentment is my favorite topic," because I seem to be suffering from it so often.
I'm praying for him every morning. Well, every morning that I remember to pray. I must confess that I allow myself to slide into complacency when things are going really well, which is often a lot of the time right now. It seems that every time I get feeling ok about things, I hear another little tidbit here or there that just sets me off again. If nothing else, though, I'm able to really understand why my decision to remain silent has been the right one. I know that because he believes that he's going through steps, and following the directions of a sponsor, that he's "cleaned his side of the street" and that any remaining problems must be in my own head. I guess they are, at that. I also know that for me to go talk to someone who has repeatedly shown that he will use any information I give him to harm me later would be stupid. I'm doing the right thing by not doing anything. I think I'm also doing the right thing by writing this stuff down. I may wonder what I was so upset about one day, or I may seek to trivialize my feelings at a later time. To my future self: Yes, it really IS that bad, and this course of action/inaction seems to be the best and truest way to serve my family and myself at this time. If you got any better ideas, kindly send them in some sort of time-drop to me so I can get right on 'em. Thanks.
You know what, though? All in all, things are pretty good right now. I've got some minor medical concerns here and there that I'm about to get handled, and I have some financial deals that seem almost insurmountable at the moment, but I also see hope and the chance of happiness in the future. I don't feel hopeless, and I don't feel alone. I have a good job, good friends, good support, and I'm a good person. This set of life's speed bumps will go on by soon enough.
I'm praying for him every morning. Well, every morning that I remember to pray. I must confess that I allow myself to slide into complacency when things are going really well, which is often a lot of the time right now. It seems that every time I get feeling ok about things, I hear another little tidbit here or there that just sets me off again. If nothing else, though, I'm able to really understand why my decision to remain silent has been the right one. I know that because he believes that he's going through steps, and following the directions of a sponsor, that he's "cleaned his side of the street" and that any remaining problems must be in my own head. I guess they are, at that. I also know that for me to go talk to someone who has repeatedly shown that he will use any information I give him to harm me later would be stupid. I'm doing the right thing by not doing anything. I think I'm also doing the right thing by writing this stuff down. I may wonder what I was so upset about one day, or I may seek to trivialize my feelings at a later time. To my future self: Yes, it really IS that bad, and this course of action/inaction seems to be the best and truest way to serve my family and myself at this time. If you got any better ideas, kindly send them in some sort of time-drop to me so I can get right on 'em. Thanks.
You know what, though? All in all, things are pretty good right now. I've got some minor medical concerns here and there that I'm about to get handled, and I have some financial deals that seem almost insurmountable at the moment, but I also see hope and the chance of happiness in the future. I don't feel hopeless, and I don't feel alone. I have a good job, good friends, good support, and I'm a good person. This set of life's speed bumps will go on by soon enough.
