Ever wonder why people make these things? Me neither.

In response to the comment "I don't know what you want" I thought I'd
make a list. No clue what I'm going to come up with, so feel free to
skip on by to the next blog down the block.

I want another Harley-Davidson. No clue when that might actually
happen, or if I'll ever be able to realistically afford one. It'd be
nice, though. I miss the feeling of freedom and power and serenity I
get from being on a bike. I know that I'd enjoy any bike, but I
really miss the Harley that I had to sell. It still makes me sick to
know that it's gone.

I want someone to make me feel special. I know that this has a lot
more to do with me being willing to accept that someone actually
thinks I'm special than it does with someone treating me in a special
manner. At some point, I'm going to have to get over passed being "a
raging egomaniac with an inferiority complex" and join the ranks of
normal people. I guess I just enjoy the self-torture too much, still,
or I'd have long since given it up.

I want to make someone else feel special. I think I'm usually pretty
good at this, but just in case, I want to add it to my list of things
that I want. That person in my life as a romantic partner, I want
that person to feel doted on and cared for and desired and enjoyed. I
want that person to be someone that I can talk to about all the goofy
crap that runs in my head.

I want to be able to open up to someone. I've spent a long time being
stoic and cryptic. It hasn't worked, and in some cases has been
disastrous. I know that this aspect of me needs to change. I just
haven't quite got a finger on what I need to do to make it better,
other than just trying to keep talking and talking and work things
through. I'm better than I was, but still not good enough.

I want my children to continue to be happy and healthy and whole. I
don't think they'll be able to continue at International School, which
is a sad thing in and of itself. I guess it depends on what money
looks like at the end of summer, eh? We shall see.

I want to move forward with the Ph.D. program. In order for that to
happen, I'm going to have to get some financial aid or loans put
together, and I'm going to have to actually purchase books, and I'm
going to have to put my ass in gear and get started. I'm accepted to
a program, I'm smart enough, and I just need to do it.

I want to keep teaching. At least, I want to stay in the field of
education. I realize that a Ph.D. might put me out of the realm of
affordability for a school to have as a classroom teacher. However,
I've been thinking about what I've seen and heard from people, and I
believe that I could be a good administrator and really help to create
a good learning environment for children by being in a position of
leadership. There are a lot of responsibilities and things to think
about, but I want to continue to grow professionally. I think I'm
about at the point where what I'm doing has stopped challenging me.
Yes, I know that I come home complaining about challenging children,
but that's different from working at a job that really makes me reach
for my potential and use it. Let's remember, boys and girls,
"potential" is a big word that means "you ain't done shit, yet."

I want to come to tems with the person that my father is. I'd like to
better understand him, so that I don't end up becoming like him. I
know that his blood runs in my veins, and his is the example I had for
a male role model growing up. It stands to reason that how he acts is
the default setting for me, too. It doesn't work. I've tried it, and
I've lost, and I don't want that to be me anymore. I don't think that
talking to him will accomplish anything other than giving him
ammunition with which to hurt me in the future, and I don't think that
he really cares about his own flesh-and-blood family. I don't
understand this at all, but I do know that I don't have to hold my
hand in a fire every time I see one just to see if it's still going to
burn me. He divorced his whole family, and hasn't looked back. He
still sends gifts to the girls, and postcards, but they have his
wife's handwriting on them. As I've mentioned before, he sent Maddie
a "Happy Seventh Birthday" card when she turned 8. He's misspelled
both girls' names at one time or another, so his level of interest is
rather obviously not there.

I want to let my brother know that I love him. It's difficult to get
around his wife, though, and I have the impression that his wife is a
direct conduit to dad. Anything I tell my brother will end up being
told to his wife (and that's not a wrong thing) and she'll end up
passing that along to dad at some point. Eventually, I get cornholed
again. He said that he didn't want to be involved with the whole
court proceding thing that dad and my sister have had going on, so I
don't want to tell him stuff that might make him uncomfortable. The
whole family secrecy thing just sucks, but I feel that dad is out to
teach everyone who isn't kissing his ass a lesson, and I feel that
I've already learned mine and don't need another.

I want my sister to get her mind right. She's a great woman, but
she's done some really bone-headed things in the past 20 years. Since
I can't talk reason to her, I'll just keep on nodding and smiling as
she talks about her next crazy idea. All I can do, really.

I'm out of time. I'll have to see if anything else pops into mind
over the next however long.

--
Is it really truth that we seek, or just a sweet enough lie to settle
our minds so we can sleep at night?

I was in a Sams Club, or Costco, or something. I was with Heidi, for some reason, but we were still being seperated/divorced. For some reason I went off running around the store on my own, because I like to do that. I was wearing rollerblades, because that's a good way to get around a big store that has smooth concrete floors. I found this little pickup truck that was for sale by this old guy; some sort of consignment deal with the store. There was a photocopy of information about the truck. He'd owned it for this many years, driven only so many miles in it, covered it every winter to protect it from snow. It was the perfect used picup truck. He wanted $6152 for it, and for some reason that was a real bargain for whatever kind of mini-sized truck this was. He needed something like $3000 down, which I didn't have, but I'd already taken the keys and loaded the stuff from my other shopping into the bed, and had parked the truck in another location (it had been next to the candles and cinnamon sticks area of the store). So, here I am, heading home in some other vehicle, trying to guess where I'm going to come up with money to pay for this pickup truck that I've loaded with things that I want to buy and have moved to another location on the grounds of the store. Did I mention that I'd neglected to return the keys? Anyway, the trip home was all me explaining to Heidi how great this little truck was, and her being so excited for me that I'd found such a useful little vehicle. Then she asked me how much I'd ask for the Audi, to which I replied "No, this is IN ADDITION to the Audi, not instead of." She got pissy and started making "how are we going to afford that" sounds. Somewhere in there I remember talking to financial people about this. Oh..on my way back through the store to show the paper describing the price and stuff, I hit a slope because the floors weren't level. My skates picked up speed, and I ended up zooming through the restaurant that had sprung up at the front of the store while I had been shopping. I almost ran over a waitress who was carrying a tray full of place settings; the tray was set out like a table for four, with silverware, red chekered napkins, and water glasses. Instead of knocking her over, I did that hockey turn to go from frontwards to backwards and took the tray from here wthout spilling anything. I then had to bleed speed by going back and forth (once I was going frontward again) and ended up trying to brake by "icing" which doesn't work as well on wheeled skates, there being no ICE.I dropped a place setting or two, and handed the rest of the tray back to the waitress, and woke up to go pee and jot this down.

Any of that makes sense to you, you need to see one of them head-shrinker witch doctors like the one I'm seeing.

It's a really warm day here in Indianapolis. Most of our school went
to a "Discovery Concert" at the Indianapolis Symphony this morning.
It was warm in there, too. Warm, with soft music and comfortable
chairs; can you blame me if I dozed a bit?

I've been looking back through some of the past nearly-two-years
recently. There's a lot to look at, and a lot to think about. I can
see some decisions of mine that were poorly made. I can see some
other decisions that turned out for the best. I can also see some
places where I don't know if I did the right thing, or not. I'm
guessing that this would be just about the same for anyone else,
regardless of circumstances, so I'm not too worried about it. At this
point, I just want all the dust to settle and everyone to be able to
have a good, decent, and comfortable life. Sometimes it seems as if
that really is too much to ask. Other days, I think I'm almost there.
I've worked hard and long hours, trying to make extra money for the
whole debt situation. Hopefully I'll be able to work things out by
the end of the summer so that I can consolidate debts and retire
whatever Heidi has left. My goal (if I haven't already said so in
here somewhere) is to have her as comfortable as possible when
everything is all done. My most important reason for wanting to do
this is to ensure the happiness and safety of the girls. I want them
to live in a stress-free home, and I know that they'll be living with
their mom most of the time. It's my belief that what I want to do
will be for their benefit. Sure, Heidi gets something out of it, and
I admit that I feel good about that, too. My primary motivation,
though, is knowing that my daughters will be able to grow up in
comfort. I want them to be happy and well-adjusted, not twisted and
bitter like some kids I've seen. People ask how I can be so calm and
understanding with Heidi. I just know that being a jerk to her won't
be the best thing for the girls. I've had some moments of really hot
anger that I've diffused away from the situation, simply because no
good for my children would come from me seeking a few seconds pleasure
from an angry outburst. I'm taking my time to let my brain work
through what I'm going to say before I actually say it. This seems to
be a good thing, that other people have been doing for a long time.
Funny how I knew that, and so often just didn't pay any attention.

Enough for now. I'm dropping this in the email and getting ready to
leave the building. I'm meeting my Opportunity School kids at the
Challenge Course at Fox Hill Elementary, instead of teaching them at
Northview this afternoon. It'll be interesting to see what that's
like. I haven't been over to Fox Hill since Maddie was just little.
--
Is it really truth that we seek, or just a sweet enough lie to settle
our minds so we can sleep at night?

Today, however, we had to sit with the fifth graders for the "family
life" program. Thank god for that, I say. If I ever have to go
through puberty again, I'll know what to expect. Amazing how some
kids can ask a question, have it answered, and the kid right next to
them asks the exact same question.

It's hot here, today. I have my windows open, my fan going, and my
room is still warm and sticky. One of these days, we'll have air
conditioning like the fancy schools do, but today is not that day.

I haven't been keeping up with the Mindspace as much as I used to.
For whatever reason, I just don't seem to go there and post as
frequently as I did in years past. I started posting on there in the
fall of 1997! What an interesting place it's been over that time.

--
Is it really truth that we seek, or just a sweet enough lie to settle
our minds so we can sleep at night?

I have about five minutes before I have to teach my night class. I've been having a really rough time with the breakup. I really hurt that girl. It's killing me inside. I know it was the right thing to do, and I know that she'll be better off as a result. I just get sick feeling knowing the pain I put her through. I hope she's doing ok, that her life is getting back on track, and that her future is filled with possibilities that she never would have had with me. I want her to have a chance to build a good life, and I know that I wasn't able to offer that to her. I want my mind to quit dwelling on this, so that I stop worrying about things that I've removed myself from.

I'm feeling like a pretty lousy person right now. There are lots of reasons, none of which I'm putting down at the moment, but I am really bitchy and touchy lately. I'm wondering if it's because I'm drinking too much coffee, or if I'm going through a mourning period, or what. Whatever it is, it flat sucks. I just wanted to run away today.