Ever wonder why people make these things? Me neither.

Here I am, again. It's the middle of the damn night, and I'm waking myself up and finding that there's nothing for it but to surf the net and write little bits of drivel in my blog.

I have a heavy heart, of late, and it's not too difficult to imagine why, I suppose. Still, I've been taking some time to look at the things for which I should be grateful. When all else fails, that's a good way to start.

I'm grateful for my job. It gives me a chance to do something that I really enjoy, all day, every day. I know that sometimes I'm frustrated with kids that I teach, but I'm really fortunate that I get to work in a field that I love.

I'm grateful for my kids. I know I'm not living with them, and I miss them a lot. Still, they're amazing, and I'm so lucky to have them as a part of my life. When they hug me, tell me they love me, it completely undoes all the damage that "the world out there" does to me. I love that they have a sense of humor, that they are so sweet, and that they are able to compose themselves enough to be taken out in public.

I'm grateful for being sober. Those of you concerned that I didn't put this first, please know that the fact of my alcoholism is never far from the front of my mind, and that I'm aware constantly that I'm only sober by the grace of a Higher Power. 14 years doesn't seem like that long of a time when I'm thinking about being sober today. When I try to remember all that's happened since I got sober, though, I realize that there has been a lot of water under the bridge. I'm pretty sure I'd have had an unfortunate end if I'd continued to drink. Minor health issues that I'm dealing with today would probably have already blown into huge concerns that would have killed me, if alcohol or any of my other vices hadn't.

I'm grateful for my mom. I know that I don't tell her enough, call her enough, write her enough, any of that, but I've come to really appreciate what an incredible woman she is; especially when filtered through what I'm starting to understand about dad as a person. She's a very strong woman, and she's been true to herself through the entire divorce thing with dad. She's taken a position of caring for everyone with my own situation. She's a good person, and I love her for being who she is. Yeah, she's mental sometimes, but so are we all.

I'm grateful for my dad (I know...I didn't think he'd make the list, either). He's given me an example of what I don't want to end up becoming, in so many aspects of my life. I also know that he has some endearing properties. He never wanted to go hunting or fishing with Carl and I. He told us that he didn't like hurting animals without a real reason. I remember the first time I saw him cry was when one of our dogs died. There is compassion of a sort somewhere in him, I guess. He was accomplished in many areas, I know. We got to do some incredibly cool things as a result of him training himself, and we got to see things that most other kids can never even imagine. When I'm in the middle of ranting and cursing and raving, I need to take a minute to remember some of those things.

I'm grateful for the fact that I'm able to be gainfully employed in so many ways. Right now, I'm teaching summer school in the mornings and scoring tests in the evenings. It's a high workload, and sometimes it seems like too much, but I like being on-the-go, and I certainly like cashing the checks. I don't want to work like this for the rest of my life, but right now, it isn't too bad.

Right now, I'd be grateful for a cheeseburger. I'm HONgry. Again. I'm not making a midnight run to Steak -N- Shake, but I'm about halfway to being there.

Aaand I think that's about all for this morning. I'll be needing at least a little sleep if I'm going to be able to go whore myself out again to all the various places that are expecting me to be working today. Life is pretty good.

It's the 25 of June. I'll be 35 in eleven days. Woohoo.

I'm feeling sort of trod-upon right now. I feel like I've given and given and given to that woman, and that she just will never be happy until I'm all used up. I'm about there, I think.

My check has been going into the joint account still, as I'd agreed I'd do until this summer. The plan was that she was going to pay down the debt and things of that nature. I can't say that she hasn't done that; I can say that I got online and was poking through some of the check images, and saw that in the past ten days she'd spent about $500 at various clothing stores, in preparation for the trip to Hawaii that her boyfriend has taken her on. I'm finding that I'm not feeling as generous or kind anymore. In fact, I'm sort of feeling betrayed and cheated. I've purchased almost no clothing in the past two years, I've gone only on work-related trips except for visiting my cousin in Missouri, and the girl in KY here recently, and trips that people have paid for. Dammit, I kept up my end of the bargain. All I'm saying is, if things have been as tight financially as she's been telling me, then what the hell is she doing spending hundreds of dollars at Lane Bryant and Talbots? I'm fucking done. Direct deposits have all been switched to a different bank, and we're going to sit down with an attorney and get this thing put all the way to bed.

Here's what I'm offering:
I take all debt accrued by the two of us during our marriage with the exception of her credit card and her car.
I forfeit my interest in the house and property.
I pay the legal amount of child support (and no more).

You know what? It's a pretty sweet deal. She hasn't had to give up too much of anything. I lived in a basement for ten months and sold my Harley-Davidson. I really would like to be resentment-free on this deal, but right now, I'm wallowing in feeling like I've been shafted. Like I've been stupid. Like a sheep led to the slaughter. I'm done with being in limbo. It's time to move forward.

OH...dad took three of his buddies on a tour of Germany. How nice. His grandchildren don't warrant him honoring his promise to pay for private schooling, though. Fucking welching cheating miserable bastard. Too bad he has no ability to feel guilt or compassion.

I don't know what's getting into me. I'm not enjoying my places that I go online as much as I used to. It seems that the forums I used to haunt are full of all these new people, and my buddies are all dispersed into the wind. It's a sort of sad feeling. I know that it's the middle of the night, and I'm in a sort of morbidy/down mood at the moment, but there it is, eh?

So. School is over for the summer. I have the days free (sort of) next week; I'm working nights. "Back to the salt mines," I like to say. Grading tests isn't too bad, but the project I'm doing has only three questions, and they suck. It's difficult to get excited about, is all I'm saying.

Life in general is sort of muddling along ok. There are a lot of things that need to get done this summer that I've been putting off for a while. Mark (that's my roommate of the past nearly-two-years) is moving out for good this next weekend, or at least he says he is. That leaves me with this apartment to myself for a month and a half until I can finish this lease and move into something different. I have financial stuff to look into, I have classes I need to take for getting my license renewed, and come the middle of July, I'll start teaching summer school. And, somewhere in there, I need to call my mom once in a while.

I talked to my brother a week or so ago, to wish him a happy birthday. He and his family went out west to visit Dad and Pamela. He talked about how nice it was to get away, how nice it was of Dad to rent a 15-passenger club van for them to haul themselves around in (what with 4 kids and all...). I asked if Dad had mentioned me at all. He hadn't. I'm not entirely sure what to make of that. It sort of sounds like he really doesn't care that he hasn't seen me or my daughters for over a year. That, of course, was sort of my point, but it still baffles me. If one of my kids wasn't talking to me, I'd ask the other at least something like "well, is your sister doing ok?" or "have you talked to your sister lately?" Nothing. The whole thing leaves me feeling empty and limp. I have feelings of anger and bewilderment toward the man, and the frustrating thing is that I have to learn to understand that he really is incapable of any emotion toward me at all. I've been learning a lot about psychological stuff in recent weeks, and the more Iearn, the more I realize how much he probably really gives me no thought at all. I think of all the "stuff" he had by the time he was my age, and I start to understand how much he's really pissed away over the years, and it makes me angry that someone could be so selfish and stupid with money. It forces me to look at what I'm doing, every time I think about it. Am I making choices that will take away opportunities for my daughters to have financial windfalls one day? Am I doing things in such a manner that they will feel empty, confused, and neglected? Will my children wonder why I do the things I do? I hope not. The only way I can be sure that they don't feel that way about me is to spend time with them, and that's been difficult to do in recent days what with all the jobs. So, if I'm working all the jobs in order to have money to send them, to spare them from financial hardship and all that, and this keeps me from seeing them, which is worse? If I quit jobs to be with them (and, honestly, would I spend all that much time with them?) and then there are money problems, which is more selfish? Which is more damaging? I already have missed out on two years of their lives, pretty much, and that, in itself, can be too much to bear some days. My friend Marion said "the worst thing about divorce; they take your kids." I know that she hasn't "taken" them away, but they don't live with me anymore, and physically, they are absent from my life most of the time. It sucks. I don't want to be back with their mom, though, so what does one do? I don't know. I do know that the sun is starting to lighten the sky, that I can tell that the trees behind me are green with dawn's light, and that I need some more sleep before I try to accomplish anything today.