Tuesday, July 20, 2004
So. Here I am.
I'm still squinting from a sudden bout of crying. I just had this incredible feeling of loneliness and abandonment, out of nowhere, and all I wanted to do was hold my children. Sadly, and unknown to me, they are spending the night with my mother, out of town. It only made me feel worse. It's too late to call to talk to them, and I don't want them to hear me sobbing, anyway. I just miss them, and I miss feeling like I'm part of something good. I haven't let myself feel hurt for a while, and this just hit me out of the blue. I guess the grief that I'm going to feel over this chapter of my life coming to an end is more than I'd thought. I just have to keep praying and doing the next right thing. I did call Shane, and left a message on his phone. That's more than I'd usually have done, and I really impressed myself by picking up the phone and doing it. Maybe I'm going to be ok.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Greetings, good reader. It's been a bit since I've been here, eh? Ah, well, these things happen, and I have my reasons. Still, my desire to put inane drivel in a place for someone to have a look has overcome my reluctance to have people actually have a look. Does that make any sense? Probably not, and that's going to end up being ok in the long run, too.
So. It's 3:30 in the morning on the day after my birthday. I'm listening to Christmas music from the iTunes program on my laptop, and enjoying the stygian darkness of the basement in which I've spent nearly a year of my life, starting last October. I'll have lived here a total of ten months when Mark and I move into our townhouse at the beginning of August. I'm incredibly excited to have a closet, and a window. I've learned a lot about the difference between what I want and what I need over these past months. I can't say that I've enjoyed living here, but it's been an experience that I'll be able to draw strength from in later years, I think. If nothing else, I think that I've learned that I care more for my daughters than I ever really knew before. I think I'm a better father now than I ever was when I lived with them. Is that possible? I guess that what *you* think isn't the important thing, eh? I knows what I knows.
I asked Shane to be my sponsor. I haven't actively used a sponsor in a long time, and even though I've been sober longer than Shane, I know that I can talk to him and that he understands me better than I do most of the time. How it happened: I went to Steak -N- Shake with Red and Scooter after the Monday night meeting, and Scooter asked me when's the last time I talked to my sponsor. I realized that he meant that he assumed that Shane was my sponsor, and by cracky, as I left the restaurant driveway, I called Shane to make sure I officially asked. Now I'm gonna have to actually call him and maybe become a healthier sick person.
This internet thing, it's become quite the medium of exchange of ideas, hasn't it? I've met some really interesting people over the last several years, and I've made some really close friends. Who knew? Ah, well. Things are what they are, and we sometimes don't see them for what they are until long after. All I know, is, pain really *is* the touchstone of spiritual growth, and I'm finally at the spot where I'm not willing to sit in my own pain any longer. Reaching out for help is something I truly only do as a thing of last resort, and that's where I am. Thank you, Shane, for being willing to listen to me babble over the next few weeks. I've missed our lunches at Subway.
So. It's 3:30 in the morning on the day after my birthday. I'm listening to Christmas music from the iTunes program on my laptop, and enjoying the stygian darkness of the basement in which I've spent nearly a year of my life, starting last October. I'll have lived here a total of ten months when Mark and I move into our townhouse at the beginning of August. I'm incredibly excited to have a closet, and a window. I've learned a lot about the difference between what I want and what I need over these past months. I can't say that I've enjoyed living here, but it's been an experience that I'll be able to draw strength from in later years, I think. If nothing else, I think that I've learned that I care more for my daughters than I ever really knew before. I think I'm a better father now than I ever was when I lived with them. Is that possible? I guess that what *you* think isn't the important thing, eh? I knows what I knows.
I asked Shane to be my sponsor. I haven't actively used a sponsor in a long time, and even though I've been sober longer than Shane, I know that I can talk to him and that he understands me better than I do most of the time. How it happened: I went to Steak -N- Shake with Red and Scooter after the Monday night meeting, and Scooter asked me when's the last time I talked to my sponsor. I realized that he meant that he assumed that Shane was my sponsor, and by cracky, as I left the restaurant driveway, I called Shane to make sure I officially asked. Now I'm gonna have to actually call him and maybe become a healthier sick person.
This internet thing, it's become quite the medium of exchange of ideas, hasn't it? I've met some really interesting people over the last several years, and I've made some really close friends. Who knew? Ah, well. Things are what they are, and we sometimes don't see them for what they are until long after. All I know, is, pain really *is* the touchstone of spiritual growth, and I'm finally at the spot where I'm not willing to sit in my own pain any longer. Reaching out for help is something I truly only do as a thing of last resort, and that's where I am. Thank you, Shane, for being willing to listen to me babble over the next few weeks. I've missed our lunches at Subway.
