Ever wonder why people make these things? Me neither.

It's the third of January, 2005. I don't think I ever really thought I'd be alive in a year that sounded so far away as 2005. In my mind, I'm still happily in 1982, joking with friends, playing the saxophone, and wondering if Donna Lamm or Joelle Carpenter will ever like me in the way that I like them. How can it be that I'm almost 35 years old? And how can it be that at this age, I'm starting everything over again? Doesn't seem possible, and doesn't seem likely.

So. What to talk about tonight, eh? I'm not having an episode of family upset. I'm actually enjoying being back at work after a perfect Christmas vacation (that's right, I said Christmas, political correctness can kiss my entire ass). Today went pretty smoothly, and I felt happy to be back doing what I like doing.

I have my first seminar presentation coming up in exactly four weeks. I'll be in Merrillville, and then South Bend. I'm getting butterflies already, which is sort of silly. I'll start doing my homework and getting totally ready probably at the end of this week. I'm looking forward to this chance to break into a new thing, and do something really cool. I want to do a good job, and I know that I can explain this stuff well enough to help some other teachers to really make a difference. I'm excited about it, and I hope I can excite them about it.

Mostly, right now, I'm doing really well. I feel like things are starting to look up for me, and even though there are still some rough times and long days ahead, I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think I can see life for me after all this wreckage stuff gets put to rest. There is hope for happiness and there are two wonderful children that mean the world to me. I will never be the parent that their mom is; still, I love them very much. I only want to be sure that they know that and that they believe it from my actions as they grow older. They deserve a good life, and I want to be able to provide for them as long as I can. I never really thought I'd be like this, but the past two years have really shown me how important it is to provide a good foundation for my children, and how much it means to be sure to support them in as many ways as I can. They are such incredible little people. I miss them a lot, and I think about them a lot. I don't call to talk to them, and I don't drive over just to visit. I just think about them and hope that they know that I love them. I have days that I feel that I'm not deserving of such perfect children. As time goes on and things start to get more settled in my life, I want to have some real structure to seeing them and having them in my home. I want them to feel that my home is also their home, and that they can feel like they live with me part of the time, instead of just visiting like they do now. It's a big dream, I know, and right now it's too big to make happen. One day, though. One day, in my own little house, with a bedroom for them and dressers with clothes and favorite snacks in the cupboards. I have so much that I want to do, and it seems that life starts to really go faster and faster each day. I think sometimes that I have to fill my days with more and more in order to be sure that I don't miss out on the things that I hope to accomplish. I want many things, but I'm relieved to find that my desire for stuff and more stuff isn't as strong anymore. I just don't want a bunch of stuff anymore.

So...that's about enough rambling for tonight, eh? Maybe we'll do this again soon, or maybe it'll take another month. Either way, I'm heading to bed on time tonight.