Ever wonder why people make these things? Me neither.

It's a really warm day here in Indianapolis. Most of our school went
to a "Discovery Concert" at the Indianapolis Symphony this morning.
It was warm in there, too. Warm, with soft music and comfortable
chairs; can you blame me if I dozed a bit?

I've been looking back through some of the past nearly-two-years
recently. There's a lot to look at, and a lot to think about. I can
see some decisions of mine that were poorly made. I can see some
other decisions that turned out for the best. I can also see some
places where I don't know if I did the right thing, or not. I'm
guessing that this would be just about the same for anyone else,
regardless of circumstances, so I'm not too worried about it. At this
point, I just want all the dust to settle and everyone to be able to
have a good, decent, and comfortable life. Sometimes it seems as if
that really is too much to ask. Other days, I think I'm almost there.
I've worked hard and long hours, trying to make extra money for the
whole debt situation. Hopefully I'll be able to work things out by
the end of the summer so that I can consolidate debts and retire
whatever Heidi has left. My goal (if I haven't already said so in
here somewhere) is to have her as comfortable as possible when
everything is all done. My most important reason for wanting to do
this is to ensure the happiness and safety of the girls. I want them
to live in a stress-free home, and I know that they'll be living with
their mom most of the time. It's my belief that what I want to do
will be for their benefit. Sure, Heidi gets something out of it, and
I admit that I feel good about that, too. My primary motivation,
though, is knowing that my daughters will be able to grow up in
comfort. I want them to be happy and well-adjusted, not twisted and
bitter like some kids I've seen. People ask how I can be so calm and
understanding with Heidi. I just know that being a jerk to her won't
be the best thing for the girls. I've had some moments of really hot
anger that I've diffused away from the situation, simply because no
good for my children would come from me seeking a few seconds pleasure
from an angry outburst. I'm taking my time to let my brain work
through what I'm going to say before I actually say it. This seems to
be a good thing, that other people have been doing for a long time.
Funny how I knew that, and so often just didn't pay any attention.

Enough for now. I'm dropping this in the email and getting ready to
leave the building. I'm meeting my Opportunity School kids at the
Challenge Course at Fox Hill Elementary, instead of teaching them at
Northview this afternoon. It'll be interesting to see what that's
like. I haven't been over to Fox Hill since Maddie was just little.
--
Is it really truth that we seek, or just a sweet enough lie to settle
our minds so we can sleep at night?

# posted by Louis Schwitzer @ 5/11/2005 03:10:00 PM