Tuesday, May 24, 2005
What I want
In response to the comment "I don't know what you want" I thought I'd
make a list. No clue what I'm going to come up with, so feel free to
skip on by to the next blog down the block.
I want another Harley-Davidson. No clue when that might actually
happen, or if I'll ever be able to realistically afford one. It'd be
nice, though. I miss the feeling of freedom and power and serenity I
get from being on a bike. I know that I'd enjoy any bike, but I
really miss the Harley that I had to sell. It still makes me sick to
know that it's gone.
I want someone to make me feel special. I know that this has a lot
more to do with me being willing to accept that someone actually
thinks I'm special than it does with someone treating me in a special
manner. At some point, I'm going to have to get over passed being "a
raging egomaniac with an inferiority complex" and join the ranks of
normal people. I guess I just enjoy the self-torture too much, still,
or I'd have long since given it up.
I want to make someone else feel special. I think I'm usually pretty
good at this, but just in case, I want to add it to my list of things
that I want. That person in my life as a romantic partner, I want
that person to feel doted on and cared for and desired and enjoyed. I
want that person to be someone that I can talk to about all the goofy
crap that runs in my head.
I want to be able to open up to someone. I've spent a long time being
stoic and cryptic. It hasn't worked, and in some cases has been
disastrous. I know that this aspect of me needs to change. I just
haven't quite got a finger on what I need to do to make it better,
other than just trying to keep talking and talking and work things
through. I'm better than I was, but still not good enough.
I want my children to continue to be happy and healthy and whole. I
don't think they'll be able to continue at International School, which
is a sad thing in and of itself. I guess it depends on what money
looks like at the end of summer, eh? We shall see.
I want to move forward with the Ph.D. program. In order for that to
happen, I'm going to have to get some financial aid or loans put
together, and I'm going to have to actually purchase books, and I'm
going to have to put my ass in gear and get started. I'm accepted to
a program, I'm smart enough, and I just need to do it.
I want to keep teaching. At least, I want to stay in the field of
education. I realize that a Ph.D. might put me out of the realm of
affordability for a school to have as a classroom teacher. However,
I've been thinking about what I've seen and heard from people, and I
believe that I could be a good administrator and really help to create
a good learning environment for children by being in a position of
leadership. There are a lot of responsibilities and things to think
about, but I want to continue to grow professionally. I think I'm
about at the point where what I'm doing has stopped challenging me.
Yes, I know that I come home complaining about challenging children,
but that's different from working at a job that really makes me reach
for my potential and use it. Let's remember, boys and girls,
"potential" is a big word that means "you ain't done shit, yet."
I want to come to tems with the person that my father is. I'd like to
better understand him, so that I don't end up becoming like him. I
know that his blood runs in my veins, and his is the example I had for
a male role model growing up. It stands to reason that how he acts is
the default setting for me, too. It doesn't work. I've tried it, and
I've lost, and I don't want that to be me anymore. I don't think that
talking to him will accomplish anything other than giving him
ammunition with which to hurt me in the future, and I don't think that
he really cares about his own flesh-and-blood family. I don't
understand this at all, but I do know that I don't have to hold my
hand in a fire every time I see one just to see if it's still going to
burn me. He divorced his whole family, and hasn't looked back. He
still sends gifts to the girls, and postcards, but they have his
wife's handwriting on them. As I've mentioned before, he sent Maddie
a "Happy Seventh Birthday" card when she turned 8. He's misspelled
both girls' names at one time or another, so his level of interest is
rather obviously not there.
I want to let my brother know that I love him. It's difficult to get
around his wife, though, and I have the impression that his wife is a
direct conduit to dad. Anything I tell my brother will end up being
told to his wife (and that's not a wrong thing) and she'll end up
passing that along to dad at some point. Eventually, I get cornholed
again. He said that he didn't want to be involved with the whole
court proceding thing that dad and my sister have had going on, so I
don't want to tell him stuff that might make him uncomfortable. The
whole family secrecy thing just sucks, but I feel that dad is out to
teach everyone who isn't kissing his ass a lesson, and I feel that
I've already learned mine and don't need another.
I want my sister to get her mind right. She's a great woman, but
she's done some really bone-headed things in the past 20 years. Since
I can't talk reason to her, I'll just keep on nodding and smiling as
she talks about her next crazy idea. All I can do, really.
I'm out of time. I'll have to see if anything else pops into mind
over the next however long.
--
Is it really truth that we seek, or just a sweet enough lie to settle
our minds so we can sleep at night?
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