Thursday, January 19, 2006
Sometimes, you just don't have to look very far to find the bizzare.
My dad, unannounced, dropped by the exhouse of the exwife to deliver a birthday present for my oldest daughter. We (neither I nor the exwife) have spoken to him in nearly a year and a half. They were working on homework and then there was this knock on the door and there he was. He stayed for about ten minutes, and left. Didn't ask about me while he was there, though.
I'm so tired of all this. It's crap. And it leaves me feeling of low self-worth, when I've worked really hard to create a damned decent person of myself. Accepting that someone simply will never be who you wish they would be still leaves an empty feeling. Knowing that I have a father and wishing for a dad is just saddening. I feel a sense of loss for something that I don't feel I ever had a chance to have with the man that he never chose to be.
I called my brother today, just out of the blue, because my mom said she didn't want us to grow apart too much because blood and family and blah blah blah. He'd taken some medication for a migraine and was pretty much knocked out. We talked for about five minutes, during which he neglected to tell me that his wife is expecting their fifth child (mom told me the other day). I'm sort of getting a forgotten vibe from him, too.
I did talk to my sister, but she called as I was pulling in to the place I was going to have lunch during a work day, so we didn't really have time to chat, and she sounded all businesslike anyway.
When I got home from work, kittiecath had created the most fabulous meal you can imagine. Pork chops baked in cream of mushroom soup with potatoes and omiGAWD it was sooo good. We ate, and watched the SNL Best of Chris Farley DVD, then got ice cream and watched an episode of Firefly, and then snuggled. Naked. And my cat watched. And all that stuff up there sort of didn't matter anymore.
I'm so tired of all this. It's crap. And it leaves me feeling of low self-worth, when I've worked really hard to create a damned decent person of myself. Accepting that someone simply will never be who you wish they would be still leaves an empty feeling. Knowing that I have a father and wishing for a dad is just saddening. I feel a sense of loss for something that I don't feel I ever had a chance to have with the man that he never chose to be.
I called my brother today, just out of the blue, because my mom said she didn't want us to grow apart too much because blood and family and blah blah blah. He'd taken some medication for a migraine and was pretty much knocked out. We talked for about five minutes, during which he neglected to tell me that his wife is expecting their fifth child (mom told me the other day). I'm sort of getting a forgotten vibe from him, too.
I did talk to my sister, but she called as I was pulling in to the place I was going to have lunch during a work day, so we didn't really have time to chat, and she sounded all businesslike anyway.
When I got home from work, kittiecath had created the most fabulous meal you can imagine. Pork chops baked in cream of mushroom soup with potatoes and omiGAWD it was sooo good. We ate, and watched the SNL Best of Chris Farley DVD, then got ice cream and watched an episode of Firefly, and then snuggled. Naked. And my cat watched. And all that stuff up there sort of didn't matter anymore.
